


This One's For You, Dean

by hollyblue2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 10th anniversary, Angst, Cas misses Dean, Drinking, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Missing Dean, Pining, canonverse, post-13x23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 17:19:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollyblue2/pseuds/hollyblue2
Summary: Ten years. He’s been in love with Dean for ten years, and who even knows if Dean had ever thought about him like that. He wonders about moments, specific moments between them. The times Sam has been out getting food or even just putting explicit trust in one another.





	This One's For You, Dean

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sort of companion piece to a fic I wrote this time last year called [This One's For You, Buddy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12120588) (it is completely not necessary to have read the other one, I was just running along with the same idea I had, that's all) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this angst fest, I'm sorry :)
> 
> Beta'd by the amazing galaxystiel ♡♡

 

Castiel rifles through the cupboards with frustration, ever since Dean disappeared – first inside Michael and then off the face of the planet – everything’s been off kilter.

“Hey Cas,” Castiel turns to find a weary-faced Sam stood in the doorway of the kitchen. “What are you looking for?”

Sam comes down the steps and grabs a mug from the cupboard. Cas watches him as he puts the coffee machine on, leaning against the counter with his eyes closed. He’s been tirelessly looking for Dean. Digging into every case that so much as whispers of anything supernatural. They both have.

Like never before, Sam has been poring over the daily newspapers, using both his own laptop and Dean’s for any sign of his brother. Castiel joins him, makes sure he eats and makes sure Jack is okay too.

Jack hasn’t spoken much and mostly keeps to his room and watches Netflix. He tells Castiel about the shows he watches when he checks in on him.

“Dean’s whiskey,” Castiel admits.

“There’s usually a couple of bottles around,” Sam says.  “What do you need it for?”

Castiel stifles a grumble. He knows Sam is stressed and anxious to get his brother back, they all are. Not having heard from Dean or even Michael once in all this time is worrying. The longer it goes on the antsier they all get. More than once Sam has snapped at him for minor things.

“I want to drink it.” Castiel replies flatly.

“Have you tried his bedside cabinet?” Sam suggests with a sigh.

Castiel doesn’t reply. He shrugs his shoulders and leaves the kitchen. The smell of the coffee was beginning to turn his stomach anyway. Absently, he finds himself standing outside Dean’s room. It has been left untouched for months. Castiel thinks Jack goes in occasionally, but he and Sam have both been avoiding it.

The room smells like Dean, it’s every essence of Dean and it’s hard to go in there and not think about him trapped inside Michael with no way out. He’d ordered Michael to let him take control but that had swiftly gone out the window and Dean had been lost to possession. It’s worse because he knows full well what it’s like to be forced to take the back seat. Suffering under Lucifer was torturous, and he hates that Dean has to go through it, all he wants is to find Dean and Michael and get him out.

Castiel stands outside the door, hesitating.

Ten years. He’s been in love with Dean for ten years, and who even knows if Dean had ever thought about him like that. He wonders about moments, specific moments between them. The times Sam has been out getting food or even just putting explicit trust in one another.

The times he and Dean shared meals together, where even though Cas rarely ate what was in front of him and gave it to Dean instead. The times they shared a drink together after a hard case. The times Dean didn’t want to be healed by his grace but let him stitch up his wounds. That one time in the Dean Cave when Dean had fallen asleep, head resting on Cas’ shoulder, Sam had long since gone to bed so they both just lay there atop one another and neither of them said a thing in the morning. Things between he and Dean just seemed to happen smoothly, of course they had their disagreements, both big and small but at the end of the day, Castiel was so far in love with Dean that he could pick out their bright days and hold on to them for dear life.

Castiel takes a deep breath. The bunker is quiet without Dean. He can just about hear Sam rattling in the kitchen and if he strains enough he can hear a movie playing in Jack’s room. But there’s no music, no chatter or laughter these days. The life has been sucked out of them all without Dean.

Opening the door feels as if something is clawing at his heart. Nothing has changed - not that he expected it to – but it’s as if something _should_ have changed just because Dean hasn’t been here. His bed is made pristinely, all of Dean’s trinkets are laid out on the shelves and photo frames are on the bedside table and the desk.

Castiel does find a half-bottle of Johnny Walker – black label -  stashed away along with two glasses. He pulls it all out and perches on the edge of the bed pouring out a glass. After a moment, Cas pours a second glass.

“This one’s for you, Dean.” He whispers quietly.

He pulls his legs up and sits cross-legged on Dean’s bed. The blanket is soft under his fingers and he wraps it around himself. It’s comforting, as if Dean himself was wrapped around him. He downs the first glass of whiskey in one go, barely even tasting it, the effects of it being burned off instantly by his grace.

He sighs, lets a tear slip from his eyes and hopes that no one else comes into Dean’s room while he’s in such a pitiful state. The tears don’t stop. He can feel the onslaught of emotion suddenly suppressing his grace and it hurts.

He downs the second glass of whiskey and this time he feels it burn all the way down. He pours himself another glass and sips that one slowly. He knows if he were human it would have a more pleasant taste but as an angel he can just taste the blandness of molecules.

Once the third glass has gone, Castiel finds the book Dean was halfway through reading and flips to the page Dean was on.

He reads.

No one comes in, even as the hours pass. He finishes the book and picks out the next one from the drawer in Dean’s desk and he doesn’t stop.

He’s partway through the last book in Dean’s substantial collection when he feels intense guilt wash over him. All this time he’s spent in Dean’s room wrapped in his blanket and reading his books he could have been helping Sam to look for Dean. Castiel scrambles off the bed, leaving the room without making the bedspread straight again. The door’s locked which he doesn’t expect, but he must have locked it after he entered.

Sam looks up as he enters the main room, it’s obvious he hasn’t slept in a long while.

“Cas, it’s been days...”

Castiel frowns. Days? What was Sam talking about? Dean has been gone for _months_.

“Days?”

“I haven’t seen you in three days. You locked yourself in Dean’s room,”

Oh. He’s more broken than he ever realised, and the guilt hits him tenfold. Sam doesn’t get angry at him, just turns his sad smile over to him, he understands how hard it is.

“I think I’ve found something,” Sam says derailing his thoughts. Castiel looks up, hope hanging off his heart. “Want to help me dig into what I’ve got?”

“Of course, Sam,” Castiel sits down opposite Sam and scans all the papers and helps him out. Whatever this is, he hopes it’s promising and will lead them back to Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://envydean.tumblr.com)


End file.
